First of all, let me say that the feeling of a true flashback is more awkward than what I expected. I used to “fabricate” my own flashbacks from the memories that I used to have when I was in my moment of euphoria, when I couldn’t distinguish friend from foe…
But now, I can recall that night on December 23rd, I was sitting on a bus, destined to go and face my parents after the shouting, the screaming and doing my own will of going to on vacations with my ex girlfriend, disregarding any opinion or sense that my parents had brought upon me. I had this (now old) cell phone, the music on and tried to listen to it until I fell asleep. Yet, I couldn’t find the rest that I yearned for, I was far away from God’s will and I couldn’t find comfort or peace anywhere, not talking to the person I could call my mentor nor listening to the most relaxing music I had at the time.
Those were my most asphyxiating 21 hours of my life, the exasperation in my mind was intolerable, the fear kept me awake until my body could give no more and the remorse came to me like a wrecking hammer upon my head, which little by little, cracked my resistance, leaving me on a mentally catatonic state.
The days passed and I had the two worst weeks of any winter I could ever have, most of my day was scheming how to apologize for the great mistakes I had committed, my nights were full of tears and finding a phone to call long distance or a decent internet connection to be able to “negotiate” the terms of my apology for something that in the end was not worth apologizing. I took the blame and the fall for the traumas that she had, and since then, the manipulation and the things got worse...
Nevertheless, here’s where my story actually begins and here’s where the true “flashback” starts. Yesterday, I grabbed a book called “The Holiness of God” by R.C Sproul. That book was given to me by my aunt, in hopes that it would ease my burden and open my eyes into a truth that I couldn’t see at the moment, but that was clear for everyone beside me.
The book, was in fact a good read. I scanned through every single one of the pages on less than a night, with the same music that had brought torment upon me. But this time, it was different. I could see clearly some of the things that God wanted for my life, but still refused to let go of the lifestyle that I had been living. You may ask yourself why a convert with full conviction and full knowledge of what God wants for him wouldn’t choose the path of righteousness and abandon sin altogether. It’s most of a simple matter, at the time it was easier for me, but the truth is that right now I can see the mistakes of my ways and I’m repented for that. Thankfully the Lord has had mercy of me and I have been able to go through many struggles relatively unscathed, the worst that I’ve had are some traumas that right now I’m finally being able to cope with.
Returning to yesterday night, I finally found the courage to read the book again, and curiously play the same music. The feelings came to me, as a remembrance of the things I must not repeat and as a reminder of the mercy that the Lord had for me at that moment. And now, after a bit of writing I realize that I have never been alone, that I’ve been put to trial by fire and that many of the things that were at the time are no more.
For all I can say right now is that I’m thankful and glad that God in all his holiness and righteousness had mercy and love for me, the undeserving by my own right...
